Writing Words - writing it is the only way of getting it written

I am a professional photographer, you would think I would have taken some other pictures of us. The truth is, it’s exactly because I am a professional photographer and I know how real photos are made that I love Polaroids. These two happy people I see, they were real at the time the picture was taken. They were both in the same place, embracing, kissing, smiling. Looking like they would always be together and take lots of snapshots or their journey together. There is nothing fake about them, they are not the work of some skilled photoshopper.

She looks at him and nods. Mario is right, but getting red wine all over Reilly's white cashmere sweater would feel really good.

Shortly after 20:00, Kirsten walks into the restaurant, followed by Karena and a man Carla doesn't know. Nick phoned in earlier to let them know he would be there around 21:00 with two business partners - important ones he wants to impress, too. Rory and Mike brought their friends Daisy and Lilac. Daisy is really called Daisy, but Lilac's real name is Heinz. How he came to be known as Lilac, nobody knows. Lilac always says that he is going to tell the story about his nickname, but then he doesn't. This has lead to a lot of speculation, including the suspicion that Lilac came up with the nickname himself because he hated Heinz so much. Which would be a perfectly reasonable explanation, as far as Carla is concerned. Lilac is thin and not very tall, and he looks much more like a Lilac than like a Heinz.

He used to say that anything but living in the moment was a waste of time. You'll never know when it is over, He said, in this crazy world there is only one thing that is for certain, and that's that nothing is for certain. Therefore you have to live life to the max while you can. You might be dead tomorrow.

"How did you meet your husband?"

I accepted Karena's offer to move in with her without even looking at the condo. I'd rented the first apartment that was tolerable when I got to New York - I hate staying in hotels on my own. I never minded when He was with me, and we stayed in a lot of hotels. I wanted a place where I could leave anytime. The reason I took Karena's offer was not the money - He left me a lot of that. I wonder how He survives, he didn't take larger sums out before he disappeared, and He can't access the account anymore without alerting Them. I am sure They have tapped the bank account somehow. I guess He must have put some money aside in another account - most likely in Switzerland. Not that I needed His money in the first place - my travel guides sell consistently to keep me afloat, and I made a lot as a freelance travel writer while I jetted around the globe with Him. I could well afford to buy my own condo here, as a matter of fact. I don't want to tie myself down to the city at the moment, though - I need to be able to leave quickly when He makes contact. Lately I have been thinking that maybe it hadn't been the best idea to move into Karena's place, I don't think He will get in touch while I live here. On the other hand, They would have watched me anyway no matter where I lived. So every time the doubts about living with Karena pipe up, I quell them by thinking that I might well have speed up the process of convincing Them that there is no point watching me when I decided to live here.

I think this is part of Their training, as well. Whatever I try to get it my way, Karena has an idea to turn it against me. You can argue all you want, but They will always come up with a suggestion you cannot possibly turn down without contradicting yourself. I cannot tell her that I am not hungry, after all, my stomach has seen to that, and I don't want to tell her I changed my mind about having sushi because I crave it. There is something about the combination of aromas that makes me feel better instantly, no matter the circumstances. The texture of salmon and tuna sashimi makes me forget the world around me - for as long as I am sitting in Ivy's with a pair of chopsticks in my hand I am in paradise. As long as I don't look up I can even fool myself into thinking that it is Him sitting across the table, not Karena.

"It's a little like scrap-booking, I suppose. I just like to keep the receipts to document the price changes in groceries over time, and also to see what kinds of food I was into at a certain time," she told me the first time I saw her with her notebook, the receipts and the glue-stick. "I went to a frozen pea phase a year ago - look, frozen peas every time over three months." She handed me an older notebook and made a movement with her hand which was supposed to mean, take the damn thing and look at it already. Indeed, Karena had bought tons of frozen peas, and the Food Emporium receipts were over a year old. If that is not meticulous planning, I don't know what is. It is a weird hobby, as well, and I wonder who of Them came up with the idea - the person should definitely give fiction writing a go.